I've just had a feedback session from Stewart Edwards, Moving Image tutor here at NWSAD, Wrexham.
He says I have more strengths than weaknesses in the film, and that it works as a music video, telling a story, and as a short film in general. He gave me some pointers on the kinds of edits used, and how I could improve them.
So to sum up, quite a good feedback session, even though I was quite nervous when my piece was playing out loud.
When I have a version online, I'll post a link to it.